Archive for December, 2009|Monthly archive page

think of the children

(posted in the comments at Shapely Prose)


Dear Santa,

First I would like to acknowledge the good work you have done in the past.  I know you’ve put a lot of effort into creating a holly jolly holiday, and I’m sure the children appreciate it.

However, I’m concerned with a pattern that has, I believe, cast a dark shadow over the season: your continued weight gain.  If you leave this problem unaddressed, you will not only die, but you will be responsible for the misery of millions of children around the globe.  Now, you wouldn’t want to do that, would you?

Of course not.  But, I’m glad to say that the solution is simple: I have enclosed a 25-page booklet, sponsored by the PA Medical Society, with color illustrations to help you craft your diet and your life so you can start taking care of yourself and no longer foist your disgusting visage on the rest of us every year.  If you follow these steps, by Christmas 2010 you’ll be a proper symbol for the restraint, guilt, shame and deprivation that we all know Christmas represents.

The snacks I have left by the tree are shown on page 3.  I’ve given you all of the tools, and have even got you started, so if you fail it’s absolutely your own fault!

Awaiting your return next year, fit and trim,